Sleepless

sleepless

What is it that keeps me awake?  Somedays I sleep so well but there are others where I do not. There is a lot going on in my head. The days when I can’t stop my mind from running I like to visit a special place. My house has a flat roof and a lot of space to sit and relax. The sky is dark and full of starts. The air is fresh and wakes up every single one of my neurons.  There is so much silence that it somehow makes me feel free. I can see all the houses around mine. The different sizes and forms of the houses create unique neighborhoods. Every single house has its own style.  Every house has its own vibe and somehow shows the personality of the owners. My family wants to create a second floor but I don’t know how I feel about that. I will lose the one place where I can see the world from a different angle. It’s the place where I was once so happy. This roof has so many good memories.

There was a sound of a broken glass.  What is he doing here? The guy next door is trying to get to his roof but he is too drunk to find the ladder. I mean it was 3 steps next to him and he couldn’t see it. I better disappear before he sees me.

For the past three weeks, I have been getting worse. Coming back after 2 months of hiding is hard. What else can I say? My sleep is gone and nothing can make me sleep. I try to drink nighttime tea, yoga, exercise, and massages.  Medicine is not an option. I hate taking it. I feel completely stupid the whole day. I wonder if I should try an app with nature sounds.

While I tried to sleep I heard a loud noise outside. My curiosity leads me to find a guy on my roof. “Can you tell me what the hell you doing on my property?” He seems surprised to see me standing behind him. “I was just wondering how the view was from here,” he says. “You can use your own roof and stop making so much noise”, I tell him. I want to say so many things but I rather keep them to myself. I know him since we were four years old; I know where my comments will lead us to. Seeing him again is like a tornado in my filings and I don’t like that mix of metaphors in my head. “I just want to say hi, and see how you are doing?” he says.  I don’t even have to think my answer. “I am good and the only thing you have to worry about is to get out my way.” I need to run, I am about to make a scene and I don’t want to be that kind of girl. “I am sorry,” he says to me before I manage to leave.

How much does he think I suffered? I want him to feel humiliated, destroyed, lost, and to know what it is to lose the people you think you can believe in. Seeing him just makes my blood move faster, all I feel is heat on my body, and revenge is all I think about. I have a friend who says revenge brings no good. I don’t share the same point of view. I believe more than ever revenge will bring me the satisfaction I want. What is the best way to do it?  I need to find how to make him pay for this anger, sadness, and love I have. I am pathetic. After all, that happened how can I love him?  My ego is enormous and my anger feeds my heart. So, I hope for my bad side to consume the side that still feels something for him.

I found a new job.  Finally, something good is happening in my life. I feel that I have a new start until I meet my new boss.  It’s my ex.   How did I end up like this, I have no idea.  I log in on my bank account and I don’t have much money left so I look at him one more time and stay. He is looking handsome. I can still see her in his eyes. I can see him having so much fun and hearing his laugh. I can see the boy I used to know.  The guy I loved. The guy I want to make suffer now.

What if I do the same to him?  How can you punish the guy you were engaged to?  Will I be able to do the same things he did to me?

The only thing I let him say to me is a good morning.  It has been like that for a month but today is the day I change the game. “Good morning, how are you today?” my smile is big. His face lets me know he never expects me to be nice. I just wonder why he did it. That was all I thought about went I returned our wedding gifts.  Working with him is harder than I thought. “I would like to talk to you. “Can we meet outside my house after work?” he asks.  I just want to say no but “Sure” is all I say. The day went so fast and now I am in my car overthinking what this is all about. “Sorry I had a meeting.” He looks at my window and moves his hand telling me to step out of my car. “Can you please be quick,” I say with a strong tone and I don’t even make the attempt to get out of my car.  “I know you want to quit your job because of me. I will change you to another team and you will be the manager. Also, I arranged the same pay you had before,” he says. “Hahahaha, stop right there. I don’t need your help. All I want is for you to leave things how they are. You helped a lot already. Plus, I will be moving soon.  This is just temporary.” I back up and go to my house.

I keep having these sleepless nights. I cannot believe I have been able to go to work. For two long months, I have to see him at work and the only thing I remember is what I love about him.  It is 3:00 am again and the only thing I have is the dark blue sky. My roof is the only place I let the truth come out. “How much time do you spend up here?” he asks. “Andrew that is none of your business.” Just saying his name makes me see the invitations. “We invite you to our wedding.  Sophie & Andrew,” I whispered to the wind. “I just want to talk to you. I know is not the best time but we work together and it’s awkward.” Now he is sitting next to me. “I don’t have anything to talk with you.” I move away from him. “What can I do for you to forgive me?” I cannot believe he just asked that. “You can’t do anything, wait do you have a time machine? So, you can stop yourself from having sex with my boss.” I say this and letting all my pain out. “She was my boss. You were my fiancé. My brother and I found you with her. There is nothing you can do.”  I have to stop my tears. “I know it was not right. You left and I was never able to talk to you. I was confused and afraid of the change. You were so happy and secure about us. I wasn’t. I am sorry. I know now I should have talked to you about my doubts.” He looks into my eyes stands up and leaves

I am standing in the offices I build for Andrew and me. We planned to create our company after we got married. I talked to my boss/friend to help me with it. This was going to be our future instead this was the place I found my fiancé with my boss having a private meeting. I am finally getting rid of these offices.  Sometimes being an architect is the biggest irony in my life. I build houses and places. I create things but I am unable to create my own home.  At least now I have money and I can get rid of a reminder of my past. I never told him I build this place and it was the best. I was so sure about our marriage that I spend everything I had to become us instead of me.  I remember how we used to play to be architects since little.  Maybe we should have stayed as friends and never created all this drama.

The past days I have lost my self. I was involved with him again. We have been going out together. We have been spending most of our free time together. He has been the same Andrew I fell in love with. Why I am doing this again? I know that I will end with my heart in little pieces. I don’t believe in him anymore. I question everything he says. I am losing my ability to sleep every single day more and more. I have been up here since 1 am and I can see the sunrise now.  I can see him bringing coffee and pancakes. “How did you sleep up here?” he asks. His fucking smile is what used to make me feel happy. Now, I am afraid.  “I haven’t slept. I don’t think I know how to do that anymore.” The food is tasteless and I am sure the coffee tastes like pure water. “I would like to try our story one more time. Would you like to be my fiancé again? I think I am ready”, he says. I don’t see myself married to him. I don’t point out the fact that he says he thinks. Instead, I say,” I think we can try one more time.” I look at him and smile. You know the kind of smile a happy bride should have.

My mother and the whole family were upset with me but they accepted my decision. This time I make sure things were in my favor. The only families I invite were my parents, siblings, my closest friends and that was all. I made it seem like a normal wedding but it was not. I did everything so he had nothing to do with the wedding and he tried to please me with everything. What I made sure was to invite all the people he had on his list.  One hundred people from his side and another one hundred on mine. The truth is only 8 people got an actual invitation from my list. I made sure to buy a house far away from him. I started the construction of the second floor of my house and I made sure it was done before my wedding day. He had proposed to me two times on my own roof and it was time to move on. I made all the plans to cancel all the things I had to cancel the last time I was going to get married. I love him still but I guess it was not enough anymore. I am looking at the mirror and see the worst version of me. I haven’t been able to sleep in 12 months. Between my sadness of being cheated on, my new wedding and my decisions my sleep is gone. My face has no life. My body is skinnier than before. My eyes have no light. I look like I am going to a funeral instead of my wedding. Time is up and now I must confess. I will say I am ashamed of what I become.

One day before my wedding I am now thanking my family for letting me do this. I know they were against it but they supported me anyhow. They are now leaving for vacations I offered to them. I don’t want my family to be here when all this explodes. I will be here for too long either. I never believed I could walk away from the man I love. For months I cried for him but now I cry for myself. I feel something for him still but the way he treated me is stuck in my mind and it will be there even if I really try to forgive him. He broke all the trust I had for him. He broke me. He will never give everything for me the way I did. I spend a lot of his money on the wedding and I kept a little for myself. I am sure he will want to quit his job since; I had a lot of fun with the owner of the company he works for. He will know what it is to cancel a wedding. The most important thing is that I ruin his life the same way he ruined mine. He took my plans, illusions and now I had done the same. I must say I enjoy being on the other side of drama.

The day has come and I have everything ready.  My four friends are at the wedding telling me everyone is asking where my family is. I am around the corner in the limo. I made sure to have a mimosa before I walk the aisle.

Everyone is waiting inside the church now. They are waiting to see the bride. I am outside the door. I made my hair wavy and loose. My dress is dark blue like the sky I have looked up at all these months. I choose a short, sexy and tight dress. I look more like I am going clubbing that to a wedding. I made sure to have done a fearless makeup. I open the door and everyone looks at me. “Did you really believe I am capable of marrying you?  I made sure to keep going with your game. Yes, you broke my heart the first time but the second one no.  You told me to try our “story” for the second time and I am sure we had a different idea of it. I was thinking of doing the same thing you did to me. Why didn’t you just leave me alone?  The thing that most hurts me is that you don’t know me at all. We have known each other since we were little. We were friends, then we had a relationship and you proposed to me. Your, I think I am ready now, that honey was what I hated the most. You still doubted the second time you asked. Please be happy I am making things easier for you.” He starts walking towards me. He isn’t angry because I broke his heart. He is angry because I damaged what he most cares about his ego and pride, and I just made the biggest scene in front of all this family. “What is all this Sophie?” he asks. I step forward just enough to talk into his ear. “I discovered why you choose her over me. The feeling of cheating gets the adrenaline running in my veins. I also discovered what it’s like to sleep with your fiancé’s boss. I must say I did understand you.”  I lie in that part since I ended up messing my own life up. I lost my self in this game I played. I just turn around and leave. I never turn to look at him one more time.  All my old feelings are still there. I believe they are stronger now. I am on an airplane with my four maids of honor.  I look at them and see how wrong I was. I had more than just him. I can still believe in people. I have my family and friends. No one will know me there and I will be able to be a new me.  Florida is going to be my next home and everything will be left behind. Now that I see my mistake but at the same time, I feel secure in myself. Maybe my friend was right and revenge will not do me well but the challenge was quite a unique experience. I please myself proving what I can do. I can finally breathe and I am finally able to sleep. My eyes are heavy and my whole world is black now. I feel like I have been sleeping for 30 minutes but it has been 3 hours. We are going to land soon and now I see it is dark outside. I open the window and I see the same dark blue sky but now I have a different perspective.

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